Put a Wet Paper Towel on It by Lee Parkinson

Author:Lee Parkinson [Parkinson, Lee and Parkinson Adam]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: HarperCollins Publishers
Published: 2021-10-15T00:00:00+00:00

Being in Year 6, I clearly didn’t understand it. I just thought it was a lighter version of swearing; simply my way of showing people in positions of authority that I was a rebel and not to be messed with. One infamous incident happened when I was outside my class and Mr Ellis knocked on my classroom door, then stood there talking to my teacher, Mrs Callaghan. She was definitely not one of my biggest fans, and as I looked through the window from my table outside I caught the eyes of my trusty compadres inside the class. I could see on their faces that they were wondering what the big man (me) was going to do next. Time to cement my legendary status, methinks. I stood behind Mr Ellis, put my hands in the air, then slammed them down towards my ‘special place’ in an ‘X’ formation with my tongue out. Take that, Ellis! The joke absolutely slayed my crew inside the class, but unfortunately the laughter from inside the room caused Mrs Callaghan to peek around Mr Ellis and see me loving life, mid-DX salute, with my tongue out. ‘Get to Mr Tyrell’s office now, Parkinson!’ yelled Mrs Callaghan. BUSTED!

Nearly at Tyrell’s office, I approached the door, but it felt like I was walking in treacle. A more confident version of me would normally be singing the Tyrell song that the boys and I made up – ‘Mr Tyrell is a squirrel and he has no nuts.’ Today was definitely not the day for that sort of tomfoolery – this was serious. I tried to distract myself, but all I could think of was being so upset that I wouldn’t be getting a Dr Pepper after school; I knew my dreams of a KFC or a McDonald’s were dashed, too. I was almost certainly in for the big one!! The school secretary indicated that Tyrell was ready to see me, so I knocked quietly on the big brown door. ‘COME IN!’ he yelled, and I sheepishly made my way in to face the music. I was greeted by a scowling Tyrell and my old enemy … that damn blue chair!

‘Well, what are you here for, Parkinson?’ asked Tyrell.

Bottom lip quivering, I replied, ‘Er, Mrs Callaghan sent me here for doing something rude behind Mr Ellis.’

‘Well, go on then, Parkinson, show me what you did,’ Tyrell requested.

Uh-oh!

I’m not going to lie; this was the stuff of nightmares. I lifted my hands with great trepidation before slamming them (less enthusiastically than before) towards my crotch.

‘Well, what does that mean?’ asked Tyrell.

Now in hindsight, any normal child would say: ‘It just means “D-Generation X”, Sir.’ Which Tyrell wouldn’t have had a clue about and I could have just got away with a minor telling-off. But with me being me, thinking that honesty is the best policy and with tears in my eyes, I told Mr Tyrell to (ahem):

‘SUCK IT!’

Tyrell lost it. His face went bright red and I thought he was going to throw that blue chair at me.

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